An old friend and I got together for dinner and a movie earlier this week. We met towards East Colfax, a bustling, growing part of Denver. I parked my car (admittedly, it was a bit stressful as I have only recently become competent at parallel parking) and made my way towards the restaurant.
As we ate our food and caught up on the small details of life (work, summer activities, and dating) she mentioned that on several dates she had gone through the now famous 36 questions that are thought to lead to intimacy between two people with recent suitors.
The study, led by Arthur Aron and a group of psychologists, found that “reciprocal and escalated self-disclosure” can be associated with the development of closeness. The research and findings became famous because they were featured in the Modern Love column in the New York Times. I first heard about the study while listening to an episode called “To Fall in Love, Do This” and was fascinated at the idea that interpersonal vulnerability could create such a strong bond.
My friend told me more – she shared that the last activity after asking these series of questions (there are three sets, designed to build in depth) was to stare into the other person’s eyes for four minutes. FOUR MINUTES. Immediately, I thought to myself, I definitely need to do this with Chelsea.
We haven’t tried it yet – but I want to. In the mean time, I have read a bit more about the questions and the study.
Some of the questions in the exchange include items like:
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time?
Why haven’t you done it?
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
Better yet, I stumbled across this charming, touching, tender video of three different couples going through the process of asking the questions. I literally wept. There is something about watching love manifest between two people, especially in their interactions. It is both inspiring and soothing.
Check out the video below – you won’t be sorry. And, if you get a chance to start exploring these questions with someone you love (it doesn’t even have to be a partner!) who knows where the conversation might lead.